More Purple Prose

If you liked the literary train wrecks in the last post, you'll enjoy these! I must admit, I was tempted to use a couple of them--but I resisted. And so should you.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM at a speed of 35 mph.

(My personal favorite!) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

Her thoughts tumbled in her head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.

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What NOT to Do

Figurative language is a vital writing tool. Comparison, analogy, personification, and metaphor are all important aspects of creative writing.

But sometimes we can get carried away! Below are some examples of what NOT to do as you polish your writing. Don't use any of these if you expect your writing to be taken seriously.

• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Heft bag filled with vegetable soup.

• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eeirie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00pm instead of 7:30.
  
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

• Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:rnl.flw:a>stpncant but gets instead T:rnl.flw:a>stpncanti by mistake.

• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

• The hailstones leaped from the pavement just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

I'll post more of these gems later.